Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
