By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize