oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
