I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
As shirtless as possible
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
