Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
