whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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