My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
