Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
