he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
