Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
