Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
