I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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