Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
