look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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