I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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