Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
