fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
