I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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