She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Everyone says I win the strip club
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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