Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
