Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
