I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
