A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
