last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
