how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
