I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
