Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
