i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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