i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
