Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Someone came in the potted fern
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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