I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize