I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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