new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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