So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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