Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
