i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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