Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
