Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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