Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
