Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
