I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
