the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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