I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
