Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Randomize
