i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
