she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
