I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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