I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
