At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
