Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
