there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
