Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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