I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wanna passion pit in your ass
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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