he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
