I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
