Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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