It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
