All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
