Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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