so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
